Are your emotions holding you back?

How our emotions can be our friends and how we can switch those ‘negative’ emotions into ones that propel us forwards

Balls with faces

When we talk about emotions, I bet that your mind automatically goes to ‘negative’ emotions. If I was to say, “she was emotional”, I’d guess that you think of tears or anger. You might not consider that “she’s emotional” could also mean elation and joy. As human beings, we are often more comfortable feeling and experiencing these ‘positive’ emotions- they feel good, they help us. It’s the ‘negative’ emotions that are the ones that we struggle with the most. That’s the focus of today’s blog and we’re going to explore what we can do to take the sting out of those ‘negative’ emotions.

Emotions can be scary

To start with, its important to acknowledge that, for some of us, emotions are something we avoid- it could be that we are concerned about feeling things too deeply because we fear the pain it could cause. Or it might be that we don’t feel comfortable sharing our emotions because we don’t want to be seen as ‘weak’, that we ‘can’t cope’ or we’re worried about feeling ‘judged’.

As a woman whose default emotional response is tears (happy, sad, frustrated, elated, you name it, I’ll cry), I understand and can relate to any concerns you may have about showing emotions, particularly in the work setting.

I’m definitely that girl who has tried to hold it together in a meeting, only to disappear to the ladies loos to catch my breath and let the tears roll. I’m also that girl who has called her ‘work wife’ from her car on the way home to VENT and release the frustration. I’m the girl who has felt deep-rooted disappointment when a plan hasn’t come off as expected or gut-wrenching worry about having a difficult conversation with someone in my team.

These are all valid emotions, and yet so often we keep them locked away behind closed doors, only letting them out to those people we feel safest with.

Particularly in British society (& possibly others around the world), the concept of the ‘stiff upper lip’ has seeped into our modern-day behaviours. Not only do we, very often, internalise our emotions because we perceive it is the ‘right’ thing to do, but so many of my clients come to me knowing they feel something, but not knowing how to define it. I’m increasingly noticing that clients are detached from their emotions- there is a physiological response (tears, anger, frustration), but they struggle to identify the emotion itself. If you feel a bit like this, you aren’t alone. Read on to find out more…

Some fundamentals about emotions

There are some myths to bust about emotions, which might help you to put them in perspective and feel more confident feeling them and harnessing them for good, to propel you forwards.

  1. Emotions are neither good nor bad

We are conditioned to believe that there are some good emotions (e.g., happy, upbeat, confident, joyful, excited) and some bad emotions (e.g., angry, sad, frustrated, scared). However, all emotions have their own validity and can be a force for good for us. It is the thinking that we, as individuals, place around the emotions that determines them to be either good or bad- effectively we tell ourselves if they are good or bad. But they just ‘are’. We can reframe our thoughts to consider how each of our emotions might serve us, rather than labelling them as ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

  1. You are not your emotions

As human beings, we do not embody our emotions- we are not happy, but we feel happiness. Similarly, we are not limited or defined by our emotions. They are things that we feel. We can acknowledge them, but they will pass by. They do not become a part of us.

  1. Emotions are unmet needs

Whenever we are in an emotional state, particularly those that we perceive negatively (the definition of which is personal to each of us), it is because we are triggered by an unmet need. This unmet need is likely to be intrinsically linked to our values (the fundamental elements that make us up as individuals; those things we need to feel happy and fulfilled). For example, if appreciation is a core value of yours and someone doesn’t say thank you for effort you have made, you may feel an emotion (possibly disappointment or frustration). Similarly, if you have a core value of community and someone doesn’t invite you to something, you may feel a different set of emotions (possibly loneliness or hurt).

Tuning into your emotions and use them to help you

As I mentioned before, many of my clients find it hard to tap into defining their emotions. They feel ‘something’ but they are not sure what. This is particularly often the case in high stress, high pace environments, because we don’t allow ourselves the privilege of time to reflect and think, or to check in with our emotional selves. In order to tap into your emotions more readily, try this:

  1. Notice what your gut is saying to you

Ever had butterflies in your tummy or a heaviness on your chest? These are some of the physiological responses to emotions. Our bodies are so clever and instinctively know things, without us even realising it. By noticing the physical responses happening in your body, you’ll be more in tune with how you are feeling, even if your mind hasn’t consciously picked it up yet.

  1. Acknowledge your body’s signs

Once you’ve noticed what’s happening physically, analyse it. Pause, take a deep breath and identify what it is you notice. Where is the feeling located? What is driving the feeling? What has just happened that could have triggered you in some way? What’s your inner voice trying to say to you? What warning signs is your body giving you?

  1. Choose what is serving you

Once you’ve analysed this feeling, it’s your choice to decide what to do with it. For example, those butterflies in your tummy could be linked to you feeling nervous about an upcoming presentation. This is a feeling that can serve you- it will help you keep focused, it will give you the adrenalin to be on your ‘a game’ and it will give you the platform to enjoy your success when you, inevitably, ace it. Or, you might decide that this emotion doesn’t serve you, or is overplayed in some way. It might be that you feel it is holding you back from being your best self.

  1. If it’s not serving you, deconstruct it

If you decide this emotion is not serving you, it’s time to take it’s power away. Break down the emotion into smaller parts: what specifically is it about this situation that is making you feel this way? What evidence have you got that this situation deserves this emotion? What is your previous experience in situations like this and how did they end? If you can try to rationalise this emotion by finding examples of when this emotion wasn’t true or when the outcome was better than expected, it will help you to diminish the emotion’s power over you.

When emotions overwhelm you

Clients often come to me when they are feeling totally overwhelmed- they can’t see the wood from the trees, they feel trapped and unable to process their emotions. This is to be expected when you’re in a state of high stress, uncertainty and under a lot of pressure. One of the ways we can explore these emotions and to give you back control of them is by looking into the feelings wheel [1].

Feelings wheel

For example, the conversation may start with “I feel happy”. To get under the skin of this emotion, to explore the driver behind it and how we can harness it further for your benefit to propel you forwards, we can use the wheel to explore it deeper:

Feelings Wheel - happy segment

As we move outwards on the wheel, we can look at the different types of happiness we might be feeling (playful, content, interested, proud etc). As an example, it might be that within happiness, the emotion we are feeling is optimistic. If we take it to a next level, it might be that the version of optimistic that we are feeling is ‘inspired’.

Once we have identified this deeper-rooted emotion, we can ask ourselves a number of different things:

  • What is it that’s made me feel this way?
  • How persistent is this emotion for me?
  • How is this emotion serving me?
  • What can I do to harness this emotion to help me move forwards?

In a coaching conversation, we can look at those emotions that you feel aren’t serving you in this way too. We can unpick them, we can create coping strategies for them and we can create a plan for you to recognise these emotions more readily moving forwards, to give you more control over them.

I hope you’ve found this introduction to emotions useful. If you feel that your emotions could be holding you back and that you’d benefit from a conversation about them, do get in touch to arrange a complimentary 30min discovery call to decide if coaching with me could help you get the clarity and confidence that you crave.

For more information, tools and resources direct to your inbox, join the Pivotal Moments community.


[1] https://feelingswheel.com

Jo Jackson

Jo Jackson Executive Coach

Jo Jackson is an ILM Level 7 Qualified Executive Coach, Founder of Pivotal Moments and an EMCC (European Mentoring and Coaching Council) Accredited Coach at Senior Practitioner Level.