Are you playing the victim in your own life?
When times are tough, when we feel stuck or unhappy, we might like the idea of making changes, but we can feel like this choice is out of our hands. As if, in some way we are a victim to our situation, to circumstance.
This mindset can be limiting for us. It might be that you believe “It will happen if..”, “I’ll start when…” or “I can’t because of (usually family or financial pressures)…” or “I need X,Y,Z to happen first…”.
The impact of this? We never start. We never change. Nothing gets better. We stay stuck. We stay lost. We continue being unhappy. We wake up one day full of angst or dissatisfaction. We look back on our lives and our careers with some “what ifs” that we can no longer change. We have regrets.
But why does this happen? Why do we play the victim in our lives? And, most importantly, what can we do about it so that we take back control?

Playing the victim
There are many reasons why you might be playing the victim in your own life (consciously or subconsciously)- the first step to understanding what to do to change this cycle is to work out why you’re playing the victim in the first place. And this involves you being honest with yourself. (Easier said than done!)
Firstly, our minds are built in a clever way which means that the subconscious mind works behind the scenes assessing risk and protecting us from harm. This was great when we were at risk of being mauled alive by bears, but in the modern world, the subconscious mind isn’t sophisticated enough to recognise a real threat versus a perceived threat. All it wants to do is protect you. In order to protect you, it vetoes any suggestion of an action that might push you out of your comfort zone. It’s trying to keep you safe, and the unknown or a change feels unsafe to our subconscious mind. This can mean we discount choices and options imperceptibly without giving them due consideration or rational thought they might deserve.
Secondly, you might be allowing your situation to be your persecutor and therefore absolving your personal sense of responsibility. Its much easier to feel as though these things that are happening are out of your hands, beyond your circle of control, impossible for you to overcome. It’s a perceived easier path- if it’s not your responsibility for why you are where you are, then it’s not your responsibility to change it. You can be comfortable in your knowledge that you can’t do anything about it. You might think “these things always happen to me”. This is a ‘victim’ mindset which holds you where you are.
Finally, you may have an inherent fear of failure. You may hold some beliefs that you can’t achieve things, that you are unable to deliver what you want, that its better not to try, in case you fail. A fear of failure is something a lot of my clients share with me.
Taking control back
To take control back, you must want to. To break this cycle takes commitment and effort but is worth it in the end.
There are two fundamental mindset shifts that are required to move from being a victim to a creator- someone who is in control of their life and their choices.
- Believe that you deserve better
This is an inherent belief about your sense of worth. Each of us deserves the chance to be happy, to feel fulfilled and to live our lives on our terms. Clearly, it doesn’t mean that every day will be a bed of roses, but this belief is about an acceptance that you do deserve the things you dream of.

- Believe that you can make a change
This is a belief about possibility- having an open mind that believes that you can achieve the things you put your mind to. Having a possibility mindset will build a sense of empowerment within you.
If you’re looking at those beliefs and thinking “I don’t feel like that” or “I don’t believe those things about myself”, you can do some work on changing your beliefs. Changing your beliefs is hard to do on your own, but with the support of a coach you’ll be amazed what you can achieve. It is possible!
How?
Once you’ve got these inherent beliefs and the right mindset, there are 3 steps to getting out of your victim mode and making the choices to create the life you crave:
- Visualisation
First up is visualisation. Some might scoff at the idea of visualisation, but it doesn’t have to be as “wacky” as you might expect. You could create a mood board by collating pictures from magazines that inspire you and create a visual impression of what it is that you want. If you’re more of a words person, writing a paragraph or making a mind map about what you want could be a useful alternative.
When you’re creating this visualisation, consider what the outcome you’re aiming for will look like, what it will smell and feel like (using all our senses can bring an idea to life in a hugely emotive way). Think about the small elements: how will you know when you’ve got it, where will you be in your life (from a physical and emotional perspective), who will be with you etc.
- Create an action plan

For this step, grab a piece of paper. Put your goal (as you’ve visualised) at the top of the paper and alongside this, write a date when you want to have achieved this by. At the bottom of the page, put today’s reality and today’s date.
From here, consider the steps you need to take, working from the bottom to the top, to move you from today’s reality to your future ambition. If you can, put these in chronological order (with the action that you want to take first at the bottom just above your current reality). Move up the page adding the actions you need to take as you think of them.
- Determine what is in your comfort zone
Take each of the actions that you have defined in step 2 and work out how comfortable you feel with each action. Use the model (as shown below) to map out the actions and how you feel about them.
- Are you really comfortable? If so, plot these in the “Comfort Zone” part of the model.
- If you feel like it’s a stretch but with a deep breath and a bit of effort, you can do it, put these in the “stretch zone” part of the model.
- If the action makes you feel anxious, panicked or feels totally out of reach for you, map this on the “Panic zone” on the model.

As you look at the model, ask yourself the following questions:
- What is it about the action that puts it in the place you’ve chosen?
- What would you need to move each element into a more comfortable position?
- What support or resources might you need to help you feel more comfortable?
- What is your first next step?
What you might notice as you do this activity is that there are some things that you may have felt nervous or anxious about but, when you look at them written down, they seem less daunting. Similarly, you might also realise that it will only take some very small, manageable steps to move actions from the stretch zone to the comfort zone or from the panic zone into the stretch zone. This will help you to feel empowered and realise that you can achieve these things.

It is our natural state to want to stay in our comfort zone, but if we do, we risk limiting our potential, we can never develop or learn, and we will never make changes to feel happier and more fulfilled.
So, over to you, what will it take for you to get out of your own way? Are you ready to stop playing the victim in your own life and make choices and changes to create a life that you deserve?
If you’d like a conversation about your beliefs and the mindset shifts you want to adopt, or if you want to explore your comfort zone model in more detail, do get in touch for a 30min discovery call to see if coaching with me could be right for you