The 3 main reasons this could be the case
From speaking with so many people, and from my own personal experience, it seems to me that so many of us go through phases of feeling ‘lost’ in our lives and our careers. We may describe it slightly differently, but the essence is the same…
- feeling directionless,
- wondering what’s next,
- unsure of what step to take next,
- losing a sense of self,
- not sure what makes you happy anymore
- a feeling of being unsettled and not at peace
It’s eye opening to me that so many people I meet and have conversations with feel the same. The truly remarkable thing is that ALL of these people appear from the outside as though they’ve got their sh*t together; they have big jobs, they appear to have a sense of purpose and a sense of worth. You’d never know that behind the smiles there’s a different story.
Through my numerous coaching conversations, this is one of the most prevalent challenges my clients face and, broadly, I’ve realised the reasons for this can be summarised under three buckets:
1. Defined paths
For so many of us, we’ve been trained to follow certain paths. It probably started with GCSEs and A levels. Then you were expected to go to uni, a graduate job and, I imagine, the plan was to climb to the lofty heights of the career ladder.
At the beginning of your career you were looking up to people like the professional you are now thinking “I want to be like her” or “I’ll be happy when I’m at that level”. Remember the day you first had ‘manager’ in your title. Heady, wasn’t it?
Its possible that success has always been defined by grades, levels in the hierarchy, salary or job title.
But what happens when you get the grade, the job title, the salary. You strive for the next and the next. What happens when there’s no further places to go (you’ve reached the top of the tree), or for you to go further requires you to make personal sacrifices that you’re not willing to make.
What happens when we reach a junction in life that hasn’t been pre-determined for us? When you can’t automatically correlate the next steps with your embedded understanding of what success means?
We feel lost. The paradigm that we’ve defined our success through in our more junior years is no longer serving us. It has cast us adrift. We’ve lost those anchor points that always seemed so infallible when we were younger.
We feel lost. Unsure. Unsettled. Unclear what’s next and what will make us happy. Fighting our inner voice that is still ambitious, but can’t see a path that feeds that drive.
2. Putting others first

We all have responsibilities; demands on us and our time. And for many of us, these will always be our priority. But how often do we put other people and their needs ahead of our own, to our detriment?
So many of the women I work with reflect “I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore”.
We go through stages in our lives- broadly (and without stereotyping because this is definitely not my personal path, but I use it to illustrate my point!) our 20’s are those freedom years, where we can work out who we are and can be entirely selfish if we choose to. Our 30’s could be when we start ‘adulting’- buying the house, finding the life partner, having the kids. Adding on those responsibilities one by one. Our 40’s: more of the same, but now the care giving might also start to extend to parents too… and so it goes on.
And yet in this mix, we can forget who we are: What music do we like? What makes us happy? How well are we looking after our bodies? When did we last spend an hour doing our hobby? What are our dreams? What ambitions do we hold? What does our bucket list look like?
We can get so trapped in the day to day rush, looking after others (professionally and personally) that we lose track of ourselves. Your subconscious is probably niggling you asking to be heard and when you listen you might be surprised to realise you don’t recognise yourself or know yourself anymore, not truly deep down.

3. ‘Should’
If you’ve read any of my other posts, you’ll know that I have a personal and heartfelt aversion to this word, so it’s taken a lot to even write it here today. (More on that another day.)
Think of this; how many times have you been presented with an “opportunity” at work- a bigger role, a tougher project, a new function, a more complex team. Those opportunities which don’t necessarily suit you 100%- either because of the location, the working hours, the personal development that it’ll take etc. And yet, we take them because we ‘should’. Because we don’t want to be seen as being unambitious, we don’t want a black mark against our name, we are reeled in by the pay rise or the better company car. Whatever our reasons, we feel an obligation to take the opportunity.
This happens 2,3,4 times and all of a sudden you lift your head up from the day to day hamster wheel and think “how did I get here?”, “I never imagined I’d be xxx…”. It’s a few years later and your career has taken a completely random path from that which you expected. You’re now working in finance when maths was your least favourite subject at school!
You feel a bit lost. You wonder who you are now. You never imagined you’d end up here.
Whilst along the way, there’s been some brilliant learnings, you’ve likely met some amazing people and for the most part you’ve enjoyed it, it hasn’t set your world alight. You’re not living in line with your passions, it’s taking a lot of energy (emotional and physical) to get yourself motivated each day and you’re looking around you wondering what’s next after this.
The best bit… your line manager has arranged a chat to talk about an opportunity that’s got your name on it…
Great, so now what?

It’s not all doom and gloom. Firstly, if it makes you feel any better, so many of us feel the same way at some point in our lives. Secondly, being aware of this feeling is the first step to finding a solution. Finally, it is within your power to change it- to work out what it is that you want, what will make you happy and how you can create a fulfilling life on your terms.
If you’ve got the niggle but you’re not sure why, I suggest you download my Wheel of Life diagnostic tool– it’s a great exercise to do which helps you take a snapshot of your life and work out where it is that you’re most happy and what the areas are that you want to work on to change. It will help you to realise the interdependencies across the different areas of your life that might be sabotaging your sense of direction, plus the powerful questions will help you to reflect on what changes you would like to make.
Grab a cuppa, it’ll take 10-15mins. It might just be the most powerful 15mins of your recent life.
Good luck- let me know how you get on!
For more information, tools and resources direct to your inbox, join the Pivotal Moments community.